$$ January 2022 $$

many years ago, in 2017 I think, I went to attend a poetry slam. I was in college, and the tickets were expensive, but I bought them awaiting a catharsis. I thought that seeing my favourite poet perform would move me, awaken me, ignite me. It was a lovely day. But nothing of that sort happened. I was back home the same person. A little disappointed, actually.

again, on a different day, I packed my bags and left for my first semi-solo trip at 22. with fragments of possibility, as narrated to me by many movies, I awaited a catharsis. Every stranger I talked to, I looked for an impetus. Every mountain I looked at, I wished for tears to roll out. I searched for something, anything, that would dawn upon me like lasting clarity. It didn’t. I was back home the same person. A little disappointed, actually.

and again, on a different day, different year, I took an unplanned stop on my way back home from work, went to this fancy hair salon that I had never been to, and got my hair chopped off. to 1/3rd its length. guess what? awaiting a catharsis. guess what, again? nothing happened. I spent a month gloating, accepting compliments, managing some people’s disappointment (as expected), but eventually, I was back home the same person. A little disappointed, actually.

it’s a different question, why I felt the need for it in the first place, but all my attempts at manufacturing catharsis failed.

now, this is not to say that I didn’t find it, the clarity. or some of it, at least. I did, thankfully. But I found it in the most random of places. I found it one night, singing with the boy I was dating, looking at planes take off. I found it one day, sitting with a doggo in Chennai, feeling more comforted than I had in all the months. I found it one evening, walking with the girl I had a crush on, sharing croc stories and chocolates. I found it sitting with mom, talking about her school days. I found it as I checked myself into an ER, thinking I was dying (I wasn’t lol). I found it as I sat on a stone amidst the mountains, my back hurting, out of breath. I found it as I pushed myself, let myself rest. I found it in my friends’ love, strangers’ generosity (and coldness), lovers’ company, authors’ words, in lyrics of songs I don’t understand, and in my solitude. I found it in bits and pieces. I found it in micro-whims, macro-obsessions, and total-letting-be’s. I found it whenever I was too occupied to be looking for it.

So, this is to say, that you’ll probably not find your catharsis in looking for it. You’ll find it, more likely, in creating space for it to happen at its own pace. In living this life in a way that honours you, totally — warts and all, and letting happenstances emerge. and once you do, it’ll come through. in bits and pieces. or some of it, at least.

<aside> 🥰 here is a little bit about me. and if you’d like, you can buy me a coffee here.

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